2009.09.08 family rants
rants regarding family, ignore if you don't feel like reading or something.

dad called earlier, said that they went for a MRI scan and it appears that the rest of the tumor that was left (after the surgery) were dormant, except one motherfucker in the lung (1.2cm), which they think needed to be taken care of next week using focused heat via nano tubes or something.

they're gonna poke a hole again ._. although it'll be a day-care surgery, i really wish i could be beside her. dad told me that after that, it'll be chemo-free for 1-2 months while she heals and go for another scan later. gonna focus on controlling the symptoms and prevent the motherfuckers from metastasizing to other parts again. told me that a chunk of her liver got taken out (size of a palm) cos those were the most infested parts and the tumor itself.

I don't know how they can mistaken liposarcoma as kidney cancer or whatever fuck they think, I mean, at least they got the sarcoma right and should had done an non-intrusive/non-surgical biopsy first before cutting her up. its ironic that the so called infested kidney was left intact because the tumor grew i dunno, in between the muscles or something and was only fucking SITTING/leaning on her kidney.

a grave mistake, she suffered and took more than 2 months to heal before starting chemo.. what's more amusing is that on her second surgery (yes, again), the doctors were baffled by the way that idiot cut her and he didn't even take any crap out, except a freaking small sample of the tumor which was too SMALL and she had to go for a biopsy to get MORE out. the more I thought about it, the angrier i get. I'm glad we went with our hearts and asked for a second opinion and nailed it before it gets fucking worse.

the second surgery was better in a way that they got the tumor out (scape it out nicely) and the big chunk of liver mentioned and she took a month to heal. i wasn't there for her again (no thanks to school), i dragged it as long as i could i guess. so now she's going for heating procedure to get the active one in the lung out. hopefully the rest stay dead or whatever, and hope for the best.

its heartbreaking that this happened while i was away, the doctor mentioned that the tumor was growing (it was 15cm or something) for a year or so. its scary that anyone could have a fucking time bomb lying dominant in you and then exploding in your face and changes your life overnight.

i remembered going to the doctor with my dad in his office and him telling us the news. i wasn't responding at first until my dad started crying. then i realized, its not a fucking dream, its not a tv drama, its real. didn't realize the seriousness of it. didn't want to lie to her. i felt even worse that i had to pretend that she had her kidney cut out (1st surgery) while she heals. initially, we didn't want to lie but my aunt commented that it could dash her will to live or hope whatever if we told her the truth, so we went on with it.

i remember giving her her med while she told me that she felt something moving in her and asked me about the surgery and whether if the kidney was taken out. i freezed. i didn't wanna lie nor tell the truth, so i avoided the question and told my dad. i guess things changed then, she started transferring her bank account things to me and told me about the safe numbers, where the important documents were. I didn't wanna know. somehow it felt final. like i dunno decided or something. i know im selfish but i don't want that.

i dont want this fucking responsibility until i'm 50 and she's like 80 or something. but i know it can't be. i cant be too optimistic yet i cant be pessimistic. the doctor stressed on the importance of quality of life, yeah. i just felt so angry that she doesn't get the chance to fully enjoy the reaps of her reward/benefits after slaving half of her life on us. to think my dad was thinking of going overseas trips (semi-retiring) with her this year since we're all grown up or at least could taken care of ourselves. well maybe not me, im still a baby.

anyways, after the heating procedure, my dad told me about them and other family members going for holiday trips or something. i dunno. i choked. perhaps that got me to type this whole bloody chunk of rant and crap. i'm glad she'll be well enough to enjoy the good side of life, enough of slaving for us. we should grow up. i'm torn between going back or continuing studies, not like i could do honours, but fuck it, i'm going to do my best this sem and see how it goes.

one thing is for sure, i'll be graduating end of this year and i really hope she will be here to see me graduate, i mean the reason for me apply to uni is that she wanted to see me wearing that square hat haha. i'll probably be the first lucky one on her family side to possess a degree =D i know she will be darn proud of me (even though i screwed up in sg) not gonna screw this up.

i wonder how her expression will be like when i walk on that stage to get my degree (a few seconds of fame) i guess that's my motivation to keep me moving. and whenever i feel like slacking or not doing any work, i'll just remind myself of that and i'll work my butt off.

start moving in life. think ahead. act for the moment. enjoy. don't wait, don't drag. don't look back.

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